Co-parenting after a breakup or divorce is never easy, especially when your ex makes decisions that ripple through your children’s lives in ways you can’t control. As a parent, it’s heart-wrenching to watch your kids bear the brunt of choices you had no hand in making. Whether it’s broken promises, instability, or outright negligence, these moments test your patience, resolve, and, sometimes, ability to take the high road.
While every situation is unique, frustration, helplessness, and anger are universal. You may wonder: Why can’t they see how their actions affect our children? Why can’t they just get it together?
The Reality of Imperfect Choices
Sometimes, your ex's choices aren’t malicious—they’re shortsighted. They might not realize how skipping a weekend visit, failing to attend a school event, or prioritizing their needs over the kids can leave emotional scars. Other times, the choices are more concerning, like exposing the kids to unhealthy relationships or neglecting their financial or emotional responsibilities.
You can’t control their behavior, but you can control how you respond.
Protecting Your Kids’ Well-Being
When faced with the fallout of your ex’s decisions, your priority has to be your children. Here are some strategies that can help:
1. Focus on Stability in Your Home
Children thrive on routine and predictability. If your ex introduces chaos, make your home the sanctuary where your kids feel safe, loved, and understood. Consistency in your rules, love, and attention will counterbalance the instability they may experience elsewhere.
2. Keep Open Communication
Kids are observant, even when they don’t say much. They may notice when things feel off, but they might not know how to discuss it. Create an environment where your children feel comfortable expressing their feelings. Ask gentle, open-ended questions like, “How are you feeling about what happened this weekend?”
3. Never Badmouth Your Ex
As tempting as it might be, badmouthing your ex in front of the kids only confuses and hurts them. They love both parents and shouldn’t feel they must choose sides. Instead, model maturity and resilience. If they ask questions about a broken promise or other issue, respond neutrally: “I’m sorry that happened. Let’s talk about how you’re feeling.”
4. Document Problematic Patterns
If your ex’s choices are genuinely harmful—such as endangering your children’s physical or emotional safety—it’s essential to document incidents. Keep a record of missed visitations, concerning behavior, or communication lapses. These can be critical if you ever need to revisit custody arrangements.
5. Seek Professional Help if Needed
Family therapy or counseling can be incredibly beneficial, giving kids a neutral space to process their feelings. It also provides you with tools to navigate these challenges constructively.
Remember: You’re Not Alone
Dealing with an ex who makes poor choices is exhausting and emotionally taxing. It’s okay to lean on your support system—friends, family, or even an online community of parents in similar situations. Sharing your experience can provide perspective and remind you that you’re not alone.
The Bigger Picture
Ultimately, your children will grow up and form their own opinions about their parents. They’ll see who showed up for them, who made sacrifices, and who always put their needs first. Even if your ex doesn’t recognize the impact of their choices now, your children will one day understand the strength and love you brought into their lives.
In the meantime, keep showing up for your kids, keep being the parent they deserve, and keep reminding yourself that your influence, choices, and love will make the difference they need.
This is a complicated topic, and when your ex makes poor decisions, it's super hard. I hope that your children will see straight through them one day.