Divorce is often framed as a chapter that eventually closes—a wound that heals with time. You move forward, find new routines, create a new sense of self, and, hopefully, embrace new beginnings. But what happens when, years later, you still feel the sting of what was lost? When memories resurface unexpectedly, or when a familiar pang of sadness or anger creeps in, catching you off guard?
The truth is that healing from divorce isn’t always linear. Just because the papers are signed, the assets divided, and life has moved on doesn’t mean the emotional impact disappears on a set timeline. Sometimes, it lingers. Sometimes, it reappears when you least expect it—at your child’s graduation, when you hear a particular song, when an old friend mentions your ex’s name, or even when you struggle with new relationships.
Why Does the Hurt Linger?
Unresolved Feelings: You may think you've processed everything, but emotions have layers. Unresolved grief, anger, or sadness may resurface differently as you evolve.
Memories and Nostalgia: No matter how bad a marriage ended, it wasn’t all bad. Moments of love, laughter, and shared experiences shaped you. Nostalgia can sometimes trick you into remembering what was good, making the loss feel fresh again.
Milestones and Life Events: Seeing your children grow, facing birthdays and anniversaries alone, or watching your ex move on can all serve as reminders of what used to be. Even if you no longer want that relationship, the loss of the life you once imagined can still sting.
Triggers and Unexpected Reminders: A place, a smell, a holiday, a social media post—small things can bring back big emotions. You may not even realize something is a trigger until it happens.
Comparison and Doubt: Maybe your ex has remarried, and you haven’t. Maybe they seem happy, and you still feel like you’re picking up the pieces. Comparison can be a cruel thief of joy, making you question your healing and progress.
How to Cope with Lingering Hurt
Acknowledge That It’s normal. There is no timeline for healing. Grief and pain can resurface years later, and that doesn’t mean you’re stuck or failing. It means you’re human.
Allow Yourself to Feel: Pushing emotions away often makes them stronger. Instead of burying the hurt, sit with it. Write about it, talk to a friend, or seek therapy.
Redefine Your Growth: Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means learning to carry the past without letting it weigh you down. Look at how far you’ve come instead of where you think you “should” be.
Create New Associations: If certain places or dates bring you pain, create new traditions and memories to replace them. Find ways to regain your joy.
Practice Self-Compassion: Divorce changes you, and it’s okay if you’re still healing. Be gentle with yourself. You are not weak for feeling pain years later—you are simply still processing a loss that mattered.
Divorce is not just a breakup; it’s a shift in identity, family, and plans. And sometimes, no matter how much time has passed, the echoes of that loss still linger. But that doesn’t mean you haven’t moved on or are broken. It simply means you loved, lost, and felt deeply—and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Healing isn’t about erasing the past; it’s about learning to carry it in a way that no longer controls your future.
If you still feel the pain years later, you’re not alone. Keep going. Keep growing. The pain may visit, but it doesn’t have to stay.
xoxo
Erin
Dish:
Think about who you can reach out to when you feel pain.
What best can you do for yourself as you transition and heal?
What would you tell someone that is recently divorced?