At various times in your life, you likely will have great people who want to be in your world daily and that's a huge win-win, especially when you feel the same. However, there are some individuals in your life day that you're not into seeing day in and day out. This blog is about the latter.
I hear many stories of someone who may be dating someone or, as the 'kids' say “hanging out.” So, what happens when you realize hanging out is not what you intended, and you've been down this road before? You may care for someone deeply, have been married before, but now that you're divorced and single, you're finding you're unsure what you want from this other person.
Well, it happens to the best of us and most of the time, quite unintentionally. You start talking to someone from the past, and one thing after another happens, net net, they dive head-in first, but you want to take a hike and not talk about your true feelings. Let’s pause right here so I can convey something I've discovered: It's OK not to have mutual feelings if you express the truth to this person. You know it will hurt them, especially as more time passes. The hard, cold truth is you are not dating this person and they have gone beyond a boundary you set long ago.
Let’s talk about what to say and what phrases may help them understand it is not you, it's me. I've always thought that was a total cop-out, yet as I get older, it's actually the truth. It IS you. You're not feeling it. Sometimes you may have some connection, but not for a relationship that is sustainable throughout your life. Honestly, want to be carefree and not feel trapped. Way before I founded Divorcee Dish, I've known folks who desperately want to find real true love, and maybe that’s still on the table, but it certainly doesn't mean the first few people you meet will be that person.
So, without further ado, my top 5 things to say:
"I enjoy our connection; however, I’m not looking for a relationship right now. We can be together and have fun but know this will not move forward."Why, they may ask? "I'm just not feeling it. Good friends are hard to find, and if you want me in your life, we can explore a friendship, but no more than that."
"You're getting too emotionally attached, and we specifically discussed the boundaries of our relationship; you have now crossed those boundaries, making moving forward for me something I am not willing to be a part of."
"Yes, that is/was fun, however, that's all it is right now: fun. I’m not ready to be attached to anyone."
"I want to be honest with you, you are a great person, and I want you to find happiness, but I genuinely feel this will not work on my part. However, I’d like to keep in touch if you do."
"You will always hold a special place, and I cherish our memories, though I cannot be what you need me to be or take on a relationship right now."
Every situation is different and my goal for this post is to encourage communication and not just stop it if you have been talking to this person often. Treat the person how you expect to be treated, and you may find out they were feeling the same.
How many times have you had to do this since your divorce?
Has someone in your life pushed your boundaries?
What ideas and phrases have you used in these situations?
Speak your truth,