Divorce is tough on everyone involved, especially children. Even years after the papers are signed and the dust has settled, you might still blame yourself for the split—at least in your children’s eyes. It’s a weight no parent wants to bear, primarily when you’ve worked hard to create a loving, stable environment after the separation.
So, what do you do when your kids still blame you for the divorce, even after many years? Let’s unpack this complex emotional terrain together.
1. Understand Their Perspective
Children often view their parents as their anchors in life. When that foundation shifts due to divorce, it can feel like a betrayal. Even if they are adults now, unresolved feelings from childhood might linger. In their minds, assigning blame can sometimes be a way to make sense of something they didn’t understand at the time.
Remember, their perspective might not be rooted in the entire story but in how they experienced the divorce emotionally.
2. Acknowledge Their Pain
Rather than immediately defending yourself, try validating their feelings. Saying something like, “I can see that the divorce was really hard for you,” shows that you’re listening and empathetic. Often, young or grown kids need to feel heard more than they need to hear an explanation.
3. Resist the Urge to Defend Yourself
It’s natural to want to clear your name. Maybe the divorce wasn’t your choice, or you feel their accusations are unfair. But arguing or deflecting blame can shut down the conversation. Instead of focusing on fault, steer the dialogue toward understanding and healing.
You can gently offer context without blaming the other parent or yourself: “There were things in our marriage that just couldn’t be fixed, and the decision to divorce wasn’t easy for either of us.”
4. Be Honest, But Age-Appropriate
If your children still blame you, it might be because they don’t have the whole picture. Over time, as they mature, you might feel it’s appropriate to share more about what led to the divorce—but always in a way that respects their relationship with both parents.
Transparency can foster understanding, but it aims to clarify, not sway them to your side.
5. Focus on Your Actions Post-Divorce
One of the best ways to heal strained relationships is to focus on what you’ve done since the divorce. Have you consistently been there for your kids? Have you supported their milestones? Have you worked to co-parent effectively, even when it was hard? Over time, actions speak louder than blame.
You can ask them: “What can I do now to help us move forward?” This shifts the focus from the past to the present and shows your commitment to repairing and strengthening your relationship.
6. Accept What You Can’t Control
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your kids may harbor resentment. This can be heartbreaking, but it’s important to remember that their emotions are theirs to process. You can’t rewrite the past, but you can continue to show up in the present with love and understanding.
It might also be helpful to suggest therapy for them or even for both of you. A neutral third party can help untangle old wounds and guide everyone toward a healthier relationship.
7. Take Care of Yourself
Carrying the blame for a divorce, even unjustly, can take a toll on your mental health. Remember to prioritize your well-being. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a counselor who can help you navigate this emotionally charged situation.
Your ability to model self-care and emotional resilience can also show your children that healing is possible—even years after the divorce.
8. Give It Time
Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it can offer perspective. As your children grow older and experience their own relationships, they may understand that divorce is rarely black and white. Be patient and open the door for honest conversations whenever they’re ready.
Final Thoughts
Divorce is a profound transition that affects everyone differently. If your kids still blame you for it years later, know that you’re not alone—and it doesn’t mean you’re a terrible parent. Relationships, especially those as deep as parent and child, take ongoing work and compassion to heal.
Ultimately, your willingness to listen, acknowledge their pain, and show up for them consistently will speak volumes. You may not be able to change the past, but you can always shape the future—together.
Have you experienced this in your own life? Share your thoughts or story in the comments below. Let’s remind each other that healing and understanding are always within reach.
Xoxxo
Erin