When the Mask Comes Off After Divorce

You think you know someone, really know them. After all, you loved them enough to build a life together, raise kids, maybe plan for forever. And even after things ended, perhaps you still held on to the belief that, deep down, your ex was a good human. Flawed, sure. But decent. Someone you could at least co-exist with.

Then something shifts.

It might be subtle at first—cold responses, passive-aggressive comments, small power plays. Or it might hit you like a brick wall: manipulation, blame, toxicity. Suddenly, you’re left wondering, Who IS this person? And more hauntingly, were they always like this, and I didn’t see it?

You're not alone in this disorienting realization.

I’ve heard from so many of you—people who’ve come out of the other side of divorce and either found peace… or chaos. Some have created beautiful new dynamics with their exes, where holidays are shared, milestones celebrated, and mutual respect reigns—even with new significant others. That kind of healing is incredible, and it’s possible.

But for others, that’s not the case. And for people like me, it was peaceful—until it wasn’t.

My divorce was amicable for years. We showed up for each other when it mattered, prioritized the kids, and found a rhythm. Then, one day, someone new entered the picture, and everything changed—not just the logistics or routines but my ex’s entire behavior. It was like I was suddenly dealing with a stranger wearing my ex’s face. It left me wondering: Was this always who he was? Was I wearing blinders the entire time?

Accepting that someone you once loved can treat you like the enemy is brutal. It’s even harder when you feel like you're being erased or disrespected, all while trying to protect your children or maintain your sanity.

So, let’s discuss how to deal with both sides of the coin because each scenario, whether respectful or chaotic, has its own emotional terrain.

💔 If Your Divorce Turned Toxic:

• Set firm boundaries. Don’t fall into the trap of old dynamics or emotional manipulation. Clarity and consistency are your allies.

• Limit unnecessary contact. Use communication tools like AppClose or OurFamilyWizard to keep conversations respectful and documented.

• Don’t expect closure. Closure often comes from within, not from them. Accept that you may never get an apology or explanation, and focus on healing.

• Protect your peace. Surround yourself with people who remind you of your worth. Therapy, journaling, or even just venting with a trusted friend can go a long way.

• Don’t engage with the new partner. Resist the urge to match their energy if they’re toxic or fueling conflict. Your silence and grace are louder than anything they can say.

  
  

💫 If You’re One of the Lucky Ones:

• Celebrate it, but don’t take it for granted. Good co-parenting relationships take effort. Keep checking in, respecting each other’s space, and putting the kids first.

• Create new traditions. Shared birthdays or holiday brunches can show kids that love doesn’t have to end with a relationship.

• Respect new partners. A peaceful post-divorce relationship doesn’t mean overstepping boundaries. It means co-existing with maturity and mutual respect.

• Communicate, don’t assume. Even the best arrangements can be derailed by miscommunication. Stay open, honest, and flexible.

  
  

Here’s something I always remind myself: Whatever happened between you and your ex during your marriage—that’s between the two of you. However, what happens after the divorce should still be rooted in respect, especially if kids are involved. And if that respect doesn’t exist, don’t chase it. Please don’t beg for it. Don’t lose yourself trying to make someone else act like decent people.

You are allowed to grieve not only the relationship, but the illusion of the person you thought they were. You are allowed to feel confused, disappointed, or even angry. And you're allowed to move forward with your head held high, knowing you did your best, even if they didn’t.

Whether you’re co-parenting like a dream team or navigating emotional landmines, know this: You are not alone. There is no one-size-fits-all version of life after divorce. There is only your version. And you get to shape it, step by step.

We love you here at Divorcee Dish and will help you navigate.

Cheers,

Erin