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Does your life feel chaotic all the time? Do you find yourself asking yourself, “How do I find peace in the chaos?” Well, I wonder no further because I’m sure I’ve found the answer in the words: Manifest it. Over the past two and a half years (and counting), life has been challenging and chaotic for us all. Starting with the biggest s## show of our lifetimes, in most cases, the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. Add to that the constant negative news influx (turn it off if you can), inflation and recession worries, violence, and fear wherever we go (I don’t know about you, but I’ve had practically everything delivered or have done curbside pickup since March 2020, damn the cost), and the state of the world in general. Add in the realization that we’re all divorced, throw in your daily/weekly/monthly schedule, whether planned out or in flux, and you have a recipe for feeling almost entirely out of control. I say almost because there are some beneficial ways to find the flow in the madness, and here are my top ones: · Know your boundaries; · Make clear and concise communication flows with your ex or whoever may be mediating separation-induced communications; · Rest (and rest and rest, for heaven’s sake): Your body needs a break from all the duties on your plate, including work, childcare, cooking, cleaning, etc., etc., etc. · Spend time with friends: Escape with your peeps, have a glass of wine (or two, wink wink), and share stories…I promise you’ll find you’re not the only one that needs a buddy break. · Practice box breathing, also known as four-square breathing, which involves exhaling to a count of four, holding your lungs empty for a four-count, inhaling at the same pace, and holding air in your lungs for a count of four before exhaling and beginning the pattern anew; · Run – I repeat, run, do not walk – away from drama, you are not available, and your body doesn’t need it; · Take a timeout: It’s OK to take a day and do absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, besides eating and drinking (but try to avoid day drinking If you know what I mean); · Start and keep a journal to clear your mind…I’m here to tell you that my journaling – even if it’s just two minutes per entry – has helped me immensely; · And I’ve saved this one for last because I think it’s the hardest to do: Manifest what you want your life to look like and make yourself feel it has already happened. Period. Living in chaos will eventually take you down and out, which we cannot allow at this stage in our lives. You’ll feel drained and even ache from the exhaustion (full disclosure: been there, done it, continue to do it). Even if you only choose two of the above, make them part of your day. OK? Promise? Peace & love, Erin

Now that you’re divorced, you’re hypersensitive to the couples that seem to cluster all around you. Everywhere you turn you see a young couple in love or an adult couple in lust! Though you know you’ve been there at different points in your life, once you witness the happily paired off, it can create either feelings of disappointment or hope (I say let’s go with hope, but that’s for a later blog entry). So, all that lovey-dovey-ness going on begs the question: How much PDA is too much for most people? Hard to say because, culturally, there are pretty much zero rules for public displays of affection. According to Anjali Mehra, a relationship specialist based in Mumbai, “PDA is totally fine if you're holding hands, putting your arm around your partner, or giving someone a quick kiss, but anything more than that crosses a line.” But many couples feel like they can cut loose wherever they are, especially in the early “Oh, isn’t he/she a dream come true” phase. People get touchy-feely at bars all the time. And depending on what kind of bar you’re in, you can probably get to second base if you want, but that doesn’t green-light you to do it. Context matters here because an upscale wine bar isn’t the ideal spot for full-on canoodling, although a dive bar might be. Also, movie theaters have long been the go-to destination for PDA seekers because they’re dark and quiet. Relive your high school days by getting a little action at a matinee? That seems safe enough. But here’s the deal: Put yourself in someone else’s shoes, namely those around you. Likely one wouldn’t be offended by seeing others hold hands, kiss a little, or do that uncomfortable walk-and-embrace thing (which really only works when both people are the same height.) All of that seems appropriate enough but “You might be alarmed to see someone sticking their tongue down another person’s throat in the mall food court. Use your judgment,” Mehra says. My thoughts are to do what you feel comfortable with. Love is natural, even if it’s genuinely just ‘like.’ New relationships are exciting so test what you feel comfortable with and personally, I wouldn’t worry too much about what others think (although I do believe keeping your tongue in check in public is always a good idea). Perhaps dating PDA decorum is interpreted by many generational, old-school folks as “OMG, get a room.” In my opinion, however, in today’s world, the more love we show, the better. Although all in good taste (figuratively and literally) 📷 What are your thoughts? P.S. For other perspectives, check out Lifehacker’s article How Much PDA Is Too Much PDA? Until next time, Erin

You think you've moved on and are ready to return to the dating game. However, you still feel a little bit hesitant. Here are a few reasons why that may be the reason: 1) Your heart still hurts when you think of what is over now but in reality, you know it was for the best; 2) You unexpectedly see your ex out with a new person and you turn and head the other way; 3) You never set relationship boundaries or discussed when the other would move on so you get upset when you learn they have; 4) You get emotional when you see him/her on a dating app (e.g. Bumble, Hinge, Match, OkCupid, et al); 5) You start to date someone and all you can think of is your ex; 6) You take out things that bother you in your past relationship with your new person; 7) You freak out when the new person in your life wants to sleep over and you worry about the consequences in your mind and heart; 8) You reminisce and talk about all the good times you had with your ex with friends; 9) You talk to your ex like nothing has changed for either of you and though that time of communication can be good, unless you plan on trying things again there should be some distance between the two of you; 10) You cannot picture yourself with anyone else. You may feel one, two, or all of the above when you think you're ready to move on. If you start to have any of these reactions take a pause, journal, feel the feelings, and move through them. It's OK not to feel ready. And as we’ve said before, we recommend six months post-divorce before you dive back into the playing field, though for some it can take years. You're only human and you have feelings; it's OK to tell someone you are just not ready yet. Remember, you be you, and don't worry about anyone else. You got this but it does take time.

Give yourself room to roam this Holiday weekend! If you are freshly divorced, separated, or been divorced and still sorting out everything – you need to get out there and meet new people. Sometimes, people contact us to ask what I do with myself, “I am not ready for the online dating world, so how am I supposed to meet new people?” A: Find an event, or a good friend, or head out by yourself to a place you enjoy. Being single again doesn’t mean you have to stay inside and do nothing – unless you want to because self-care is number 1. Some new ideas of what you could do: 1) Most cities have a “What’s happening this weekend?” site or two. Pick something you are passionate about and head out there. 2) Walk in the park or hike in a new park. 3) Meet up with a friend for coffee. 4) Pick a new restaurant or favorite and take a book (or not) – order your favorite meal and a cocktail. 5) Labor Day is the last day for the pool, take a book and hang out or your headphones and listen to your favorite tunes. 6) Discover something new in your city, a place that you’ve never been but would love to experience. 7) Take a drive – you may find you enjoy the time and jam in your car. 8) Finish that project you have been seeking to wrap up. 9) Binge on a new show you have wanted to watch and enjoy. These are just a few ways to enjoy your freedom. Place a smile on that face and pick one or two to do. Song dedication to this #blog “Roam” by the B-52s.

The lyrics to the infamous Crosby, Stills & Nash song - If you're down and confused And you don't remember who you're talkin' to Concentration slip away Because your baby is so far away Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove And the eagle flies with the dove And if you can't be with the one you love, honey Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Don't be angry, don't be sad Don't sit cryin' over good times you've had There's a girl right next to you And she's just waitin' for something to do And there's a rose in a fisted glove And the eagle flies with the dove And if you can't be with the one you love, honey Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Turn your heartache right into joy 'Cause she's a girl and you're a boy Get it together, make it nice You ain't gonna need any more advice And there's a rose in a fisted glove And the eagle flies with the dove And if you can't be with the one you love, honey Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Source: Musixmatch'r Our message today is DO NOT SETTLE; You Only Live Once if there is someone in your heart take the chance. You never know.

Here you are, back in the dating game and trying to keep an open mind to what's out there. The ways and means of meeting people have taken a seismic turn since March 2020 - yes, 32 months and counting, and let's face it, do you really want to go out, possibly hook up and put your health at risk with someone you're not 100% sure of with COVID plus everything else going on in this crazy world we now live in? Nevertheless, we're now at a place in late 2022 where if we're smart - and we are - we've thrown everything we once thought we knew about dating. What you and I once thought were solid-in-stone "rules" for dating are null and void today. But that doesn't mean you have to lock yourself up at home and never go out or meet someone new. So, let's say you've met someone “in real life" - no apps or texts, please - and the momentum has been positive, yet you feel they may be holding back in some way, shape, or form. Or maybe they're just being assholes without realizing it. But it bothers you. If so, look for these 10 big time “red flags" for post-divorce dating before you dive in too seriously: They were really into you initially; however, communication is slowly simmering. Your gut feels as if long term, this is not your match. You get into a rut of playing house and are not ready for that type of relationship. They are mysterious with details of their daily lives. They lack trust in you and always try to be up in your business, making you uncomfortable. They show up at places to “surprise you," making you super uncomfortable. They get angry when they cannot spend time with you when you say you need “downtime” or “me time." They worship the ground you walk on within two weeks or earlier. They make you feel guilty for not doing what they want you to do. You do not feel comfortable being out in public with them And this one should not only be a red flag, but it should also be a green light to run as fast and far away from them as possible: They make fun of you in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself. Red flags are easy to overlook but keep your wits about you, and if one or more of the above prove to be the case, it's probably time to do some serious thinking about how/if/why you would subject yourselves to this treatment. Keep it real out there and trust your gut, Erin

I felt overwhelmed that I may have ruined a 30-year friendship with a simple drunk text. I hope it’s not true; however, like most of us, we have done it once or one hundred times while having an emotional moment. Telling someone how you feel is one thing even though they are already in a lifelong relationship and give you enough hope to hold on….hold back, people, hold back. I do not live by the rules that I could and should have. I just go, and though I think many things out, this was not the case. Friendships, Relationships, and Dating are so tricky in your 40s – I often question whether live by the YOLO rule (You Only Live Once) or hold back until the timing is right. I’ve asked my friends, and it's funny because it’s a 50/50 split of yes, get after what you want, be the happiest you can be, OR be patient. What’s meant to be is meant to be. You could be waiting, and life is just too short. What do you think? Peace, Love, and Happiness. PS and Apps that can prevent this from happening in the future are listed by: ScoopWhoop

Feelings are an exciting part of our lives. So many emotions every day; sometimes, you feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster – so hold on tight. Lately, I notice that when certain people reach out to me, my heart flutters, now, I'm currently not in any romantic relationship, but I can feel my heart opening up again. Heart flutters when it comes to love or likeness works when the brain sends signals to the adrenal gland, which secretes hormones such as adrenaline, epinephrine, and norepinephrine. They flow through the blood and cause the heart to beat faster and more robust. It can escalate at any time and could be a memory or hope for the future. I found myself fluttering today – when I thought of certain people. It felt so good to handle, but I quickly caught myself with a whisk of anxiety. Anxiety can cause flutters, too, and I'm sure all of us divorcees have had the moment where it turns into panic. I also had that happen to me today as well. When I look back at the triggers, I can not pinpoint the cause unless it's underlying stress. When this happens, I know I need to slow down and reaccess what I am doing and how I handle these moments. Right now, I get moving and work out to alleviate those jitters. However, let's get back to handling the heart flutters for people you know to trigger the good feeling and how not to allow the hormones to transition into that anxiety. Tips: 1: Mediate – to breathe and relax that brain of yours 2: Journal – if you can not express your feeling to the person or people, write them down. You may find a bit of self-discovery during this time. 3: Use guided imagery. Here is an excellent article by VeryWell.com to get started. 4: Drink Electrolytes – no, really, it helps. 5: Get moving – exercising in any way can help with those flutters. We encourage you to feel the feels when you get the opportunity. It makes you feel alive again. Should it start to go the other way, make sure, you use the methods above to insert the calm. The song that I feel aligns with this post: is Ed Sheeran's "Shivers" https://youtu.be/Il0S8BoucSA

It can be challenging when it's time to let go of someone you care for and appreciate. This can be your current marriage or a newer relationship – it’s never easy. However, you must be true to yourself and what you want in your life. If you cannot get there with the person you are dating or keeping in touch with; it's time to release this person and be completely honest. Honesty can be one of the most complex parts of a relationship; no one wants to hurt another's feelings, especially if there is nothing blatantly wrong with your situation. We’ve been asked if it is not “long-term” material, should I keep going through the motions and enjoy the moment? A: Yes, No, and It isn’t straightforward. You need to ask yourself whether you can go through the motions, knowing it's not going anywhere to fill a void in your life. Or do you move on quickly and get out before one of you has feelings on the edge of growing deeper? Every situation is different. Our advice – if you are not feeling it but having fun, live in that moment and be upfront with that person. If you are not into your person now, you will hurt the other person – get out before it gets too hard to handle. Maybe you are not looking for a long-term relationship, yet the other person is ready to move forward quickly; if you are divorced -do NOT get into a deep connection for at least six months; you will or may regret it. Even if both partners want it, letting go of marriage is still an emotional roller coaster; give yourself time to heal and not be pushed in something you do not wish to. We’ve watched many people jump quickly to bait emotions they do not want to feel. All we can say is, please take time to heal, and if that means letting go of someone you recently met, believe us, you will be thankful you did. You will look back and say, “I am so happy; I took care of myself and figured out what I truly want.” Do not settle for anything less than the best; after all, you only live once; shoot for the stars!

Life is back to busy now that the pandemic has lessened, and even then, life was still demanding. This blog will discuss how to handle the schedules of “divorced families” and still have a balance in your life. I remember speaking to a few of my divorced friends pre my situation. How do you balance it all? How can you be single, with kids, and still have a life of your own? A: You can; however, you must stick to your schedules for your sanity and kids’ sanity. Becoming a single parent is one of the most challenging tasks one can take on, even if you have a good relationship with your ex. Decisions still must be made in the kids' best interest, their new life must be transitioned carefully, and you need to try and organize it all. Are you ready? Thus, the schedules come into play, and so many combinations exist. When I asked my divorce lawyer, he said, “I have been practicing for over 30 years, and I have seen everything.” What to consider: 1) How many kids do you have, and what are their ages? 2) Does everyone attend the same school if you have more than one? 3) Does each of them play sports? 4) Do they need transportation during times you are working? 5) What would be a good balance for you and your ex? 6) How can you work together not to make a chaotic schedule? 7) Can you back each other up? 8) Do you have an ex that is out of the picture? Are you the only one? In this case, can you hire some support or have friends and family that can jump in? 9) What is best for the kids? There are many options to consider that help with custody boundaries (yours and the kid's). Sample schedules are as follows: · A week on Week off · 2-2-3 2 days on, two days off, every other weekend · Wednesdays and every other weekend (this was my schedule growing up in a divorced family, and I wouldn't say I liked it) · What are your “weekends”? Thursday – Sunday a.m. / switch o Friday, Saturday, Sunday · 4-3-4 · What does your divorce decree say? Is it flexible? There are excellent examples of joint custody on CustodyXchange. See one option below: A 2-2-5-5 arrangement means that one parent gets two days with the kids, the other gets the next two days with the kids, the first parent gets five days with the kids, and the other gets the next five days with the kids. This is a two-week repeating cycle. It looks like this in the calendar: Do what is best for the family and be flexible if possible. Good Luck Erin

Whether you have a tremendous co-parenting or relationship with your ex, there are a few rules out of courtesy to handle a new commitment. Just think YES, you want to move on, and so does your ex, who carries on first and is up to the skies. When the stars align, it will happen. Does it mean it's long-term or for life? No. However, we want you to be prepared for how you may act around the new person brought into your life by your ex. We would like to establish some working ground rules. 1) This is not the time to stalk your ex on social media or dig for information on who this person will be. 2) It’s not all right to cause chaos among your family by asking your children about your ex–new partner. 3) Make sure you talk to your ex about your new partner and when/if you will introduce them to your children. Most say wait for six that's but that’s a long time, and as we age and our kids are more in tune, that time may be too long. 4) Their new relationship does not erase your relationship with your ex. 5) Sit with your emotions and get to know how you feel about them. 6) You are an adult now. Act like one, especially around your kids. Should there be a meeting of the entire family before you are “ready,” – think of simple things to discuss and move on. 7) Establish some rules with your partner; for example, if your ex has to do something "g and the “newbie" in this relationship takes over a parental task – you need to be in the know. Your ex may trust this person, but you know nothing about them, and this is for safety reasons only. 8) Finally, share your feelings with trusted friends and your therapist. Working through that emotion will make you more substantial every day. Onward and Upward xoxo Erin

Have you met someone special? Are you ready for a new and possibly long-term relationship? Here are some things to think about: 1) Does this person meet your standards? NOTE: after a divorce, go for what you want; nothing should stop you. 2) How will you balance kids, let’s say, if this person doesn’t have them? Or you are on opposite schedules. 3) Do you have similar interests? 4) Can you get used to their quirks? Or is this something that will bother you down the road? --- again, do not settle; however, communicate how you feel. 5) How about meeting families? Did you gel, or did you feel uncomfortable? 6) Do you feel butterflies? If not, you should. 7) Where do you agree, and where do you disagree? 8) Have you researched this person on the web? 9) How long has each of you been divorced? a. NOTE: Avoid entering a long-term until 6-12 months after divorce. This brings too much pressure. 10) What is your end game? Overall, seek your happiness and be on the same page. Now, these questions pertain to entering a new, potentially serious relationship. A few more tidbits: Take your time. Be your true self. Be honest and upfront. Make sure you are equal in your relationship efforts. If you do not see what you want – get out of the relationship. We wish you love and happiness. You deserve it.