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Warning Trigger blog: My parents divorced when I was 15 years old, my sister 8, my brother 5, and it was one of the most challenging periods of my life. I was a teenager lost in hormones and emotions. My sister and brother were too young to fully understand. My mom was devastated. Over the first year, I remember feeling raw and I rebelled; boy did I rebel. However, I also stepped up to the plate and helped my mom. It was such a tumultuous time. My siblings were at a loss. My sister was very close to my dad and it was particularly difficult for her. As the oldest, this took a big toll on me. My dad quickly introduced his new girlfriend to us. Innocently, we did not know what to think. I remember being so confused and crushed that he had someone else, and my mom was really suffering. My high school friends were there for me and supported my every move, but I often say I’ve been raising myself since I was 15, along with helping my sister and brother. There was so much hatred in my parent's divorce that I knew if that ever happened to me, I would make sure it was as positive a situation as possible. Though I thought when I got married we would be together forever, as we all know since I began this blog, that wasn’t the case. A few years have passed since my divorce; my twin daughters were 13, my son was 7, and it was the hardest thing we (me and my ex) ever had to tell these sweet children, who were so innocent. Emotions were raw for everyone. I was the one who moved out and needed a fresh start, and wow, did that hurt. Though knowing the divorce was the right thing to do after years of us growing apart it was, and continues to be, one of the most challenging experiences of my life. You may feel like you can finally breathe in the early days of a split, but emotions will be there for years to come. However, I know in my heart my ex and I made the right decision as to what was best for our family. As the twins have grown older and matured, they have worked through many of their emotions, however, my son is now showing symptoms of PTSD. He’s been triggered by his dad and I moving on in different directions and he has been asking, “Why are you and daddy not together?” and “Why didn’t you try harder?” and “All of this is so overwhelming," as tears run down his face. I console him the best I can. However, I feel his raw emotions on that surface, which hurts me inside. My sweet boy is devasted and just now realizing it. My ex and I have a good co-parenting relationship. We also promised the kids we would work together and have meals, some holidays, etc., which has and hasn’t worked over the past few years. It's a process. My point is that raw emotion can hit anyone anytime, anywhere, and bubbles up from the past. Showing love and compassion and seeking therapy for you, your ex, and your children is key to survival. When those moments happen, stop what you are doing, listen and show LOVE. One day we may heal completely but there is no definitive timeline I can give you on that. But here is something I promise will help even on the roughest days: Keep your head up and focus on the here and now. Take care of yourself so you can handle these situations. Onward and upward, Erin Share this post:

Whatever your age, if you loved dressing up as a kid (who didn't?); getting costume crazy in college; or currently have tiny tots or adult children, memories of Halloweens past are likely to swirl through your mind like a witch on a broom, bringing up an array of emotions. But don't get spooked, lock your doors and turn out all the lights this weekend due to a late October pity party (plus, do you want to wake up November 1 to a yard full of toilet-papered trees...or worse?). No! Turn the situation around and celebrate the day and night - after all, there's a lot of candy and chocolate involved, which in our blog is always a win - your way this year. Here's how: · If you have kids that are trick-or-treating age, make a plan with your ex (if you're on good terms) or a good friend and their children to do a joint neighborhood or safe place jaunt so the little ones can load up on treats and you can all have a good time, drama- and stress-free; · No kids? No problem. Check-in with your friends and sniff around for an invite to Halloween events for grownups, whether costume parties or casual get-togethers. And GO if you're invited! · Not into either of the above, or they're not options? No worries because this could be one the best plans of all: Stock up on your favorite spirit(s) or non-alcoholic beverages, pick out your favorite delivery restaurant, order everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - on the menu, you want (be sure to call or text enough in advance because they'll be busy this weekend), binge your fa vorite Netflix or other streaming service or completely crank up your stereo, and live it up in your den/living room or even more decadent, in bed (by yourself or not, wink wink)! And if the thought of being separated from your loved ones, especially your children, on this kid-centric holiday has you down, please check out "The Divorced Mom's Guide to Halloween" (link https://tinybeans.com/the-divorced-moms-guide-to-halloween/) from tinybeans.com, and "Halloween Tips for Divorced Dads" (link https://dadsdivorce.com/articles/halloween-tips-for-divorced-dads/) from dadsdivorce.com, both filled with great advice on how to cope. We wish you all a safe and treat-filled Halloween! Erin

Should you Rent or Buy? After a divorce, your financials take a huge hit. There are many movements of money, and money may be tied to a home, emotions, and more. So what do you do? My first move was to rent due to the housing market being a hot mess at the time of my divorce; plus, I also needed to figure out how to find a place in a neighborhood I strived to live in and needed space for all my children. It was my best bet due to not having extra income to deal with repairs if needed; I knew that rental insurance and the landlords would need to take care of that. I rented for two years before buying my first home on my own. My rent was much higher than a house payment, but I didn’t have to worry about certain aspects of being a homeowner. I was excited and scared but more thrilled than anything else. A home to continue raising my children in, I got my house off the crazy market, which shocked me. Then my mortgage is lower than my rent. The point being you should consider the advantages of your home after a divorce as – getting your emotional state settled, clearing your head, and do not make swift moves. Ultimately you must do what is best for you and your family. Though I bought a home eventually, I have found the advantages and disadvantages are something I thought I would share after a recent sewer backup episode (that confirmed my biggest fear) of being a homeowner. When renting: · Upfront Costs are precise – rent stays the same · Rental Agreements cover all repairs for the most part · What is your income now? · Will your income increase so you can save for a home? · In addition to the rental agreement, Renter's Insurance is super critical, so if you rent, please consider this. · Did you know that 36% of Americans live in rentals? You are not alone. (source: hello divorce) · Renting doesn’t provide equity. · Remember renting is not a permanent solution; however, it may be best now. · It gives you more time to find a house, condo, or apartment you may purchase long-term. When buying a home: · It’s yours, and you can do whatever you want with it. · You are building equity. · Any repairs are on you – like a sewer repair or appliances flaking out. · You can get a one-year – home warranty to possibly cover the costs of appliances going out or other home repairs (Warning: I used one that didn’t cover much – so this was a waste for me) · Any upgrades increase your house value and more money in the future should you move again. · Remember, even if you buy, if things change in your life, it’s OK to consider other options again. · Tax deductions are available in a home. · Homeowners' insurance policies differ, so look closely at all your options or look for an insurance agent that can help get you the best coverage for the best price. Again, there are pros and cons to renting and buying. However, you will have so much on your mind during the divorce process; you must do what is best for you in the short term. Onward and upward, my friends.

Have you met someone new who makes your heart go pitty-pat, and after a few fun texts that turn to coffee dates or drinks, said person pulls a disappearing act? Fear not, DD friends, because “ghosting” is, unfortunately, a widespread occurrence for many (me included). Were you being too pushy? Gave TMI? Or maybe it was something else? How hard is it to text someone back and say politely, “thanks but no thanks”? Ghosting feels painful. We try to be laid back but get super frustrated waiting for that ask or that text to re-engage. And no matter who it is or what it’s about, I always try and respond to a text. To me, that’s just common courtesy in our digital age, but apparently not to others. I’m the first to admit that meeting someone and perhaps ultimately dating me in my 40s has proven to be a bit challenging. I don’t even know how to explain all the disappearing acts I have had! Does that person think it's easier to vanish versus responding because it’s “just a text,” not a call? I try to take things in stride, but honestly, there are so many times I want to say, “guys, WTF is wrong with you? You are an adult; communicating like one would be nice.” But I don’t. Wanna know why? I LET IT GO. How? I remind myself that this is about the other people, not me. I’ve made a gesture that’s not being reciprocated, given it enough thought, and decided to move on. Period. Sure, there are other things you can do, and believe me, I’ve Googled plenty of ways, but at the end of the day, I feel that’s the best way to handle it. Besides, I have other things that are way more important. My kids. My work. My friends. And apparently, that’s what The Universe believes is essential for me to…and so do I. Meanwhile, I’ll leave all ghosting up to the trick-or-treaters - since Halloween is only 3 weeks away - and happily reward them with candy. For more perspective on handling ghosting, check out this great piece from the crew at bumble.com (link to https://bumble.com/the-buzz/how-to-respond-to-ghosting). And hang tough, DDers! Xo, Erin

Anyone who’s out in the world of dating has signed up for dating sites or may just want to understand gender identities and roles in 2022 has likely recognized that there are more than a few options to choose from when one identifies by gender. On a recent trip, I talked at length with a friend of mine and confided I am unsure what it all means. It’s not that I am unaware…it’s just that on Bumble alone, there were several screenshots of the options, and thought “How do people navigate this when they are not aware of who or what I am?” So, here’s my attempt at trying to explain and help anyone and everyone, to make it clear, what these options mean beyond general male or female. This is certainly not the be-all, end-all of gender identity recaps, so please feel free to let us know if you have further input, info, or whatever, and we’ll be more than happy to update and/or add them to this blog. Rest assured, here at DD we strongly believe education about genders is critically important in today’s world and ALL people should be accepted and respected, no matter their gender identity. Sources: Young.scott; Economist; GLAAD; Google Search

You may have had a physical affair that ended your marriage or perhaps a long-term relationship. You may have emotionally cheated on your partner, and they can all produce the same results. Cue heart palpitations. Unfortunately, affairs of all types are rising due to messaging platforms everywhere. It almost seems as if they're beckoning us to play. Let's talk about the top 2 types of cheating and what to be on the lookout for: Emotional Cheating - A type of infidelity where one partner shares emotional intimacy and connection with someone other than their partner. This connection crosses the boundaries of a healthy, platonic relationship and assumes a breach of trust within the primary relationship (Source: Brides.com); Physical Cheating - A physical affair is the most prominent and common form of cheating in a marriage or partnership. This type of relationship involves intimate sexual encounters. The cheating spouse may or may not have feelings toward the person they are involved with. (Source: Google search). While those are the top two, more and more affairs are becoming common. Here's a biggie: Micro-cheating? No doubt you've heard about micro-dosing (unrelated to relationships), but what is micro-cheating? Micro-cheating is the act of cultivating, in small ways, inappropriate intimate connections outside your relationship. And as if those aren't enough, the Infidelity Recovery Institute has defined seven - 7! - additional affairs types of affairs: The one-night stand, a la an Accidental Affair - This affair may well be a past betrayal. The typical one-night air usually occurs when a spouse is away from home, possibly on a business or pleasure trip (not to be confused with a string of one-night stands). Intimacy and Content Avoidance Affair - Exactly what it sounds like. Philanderer Affair, aka Womanizers - there is no emotional attachment to the affair partners – they are conquests. Entitlement Affair meaning the "Royal Affair" The Entitlement Affair is usually a serious, long-term one in which the straying partner is charming, famous, successful, and influential. Split Self Affair: This could be a Romantic, Mid-Life Crisis, or a Coming Out Affair. Exit Affair: (Example) The relationship had underlying tension and resentment building up for years (perhaps starting before the wedding). Sexual Addiction Affair: Yes, this happens often. Difficult as it is for many to believe, sex addicts truly feel powerless in their ability to control their desires. With so many “types,” most fall under the traditional emotional and physical. Which begs the question: how does everyone end up together anymore? Researching this topic, whether you have experienced an affair or are a cheater, I learned that guilt, hurt and self-loathing are the effects most people carry throughout their lives. I'm writing this blog today to tell our readers that while you may be embarrassed to talk about it if this has happened to you, you’re not alone, and we want you to know healing does and will occur. Please do not isolate yourself, even if you are on the swaying side. It is hard to bear; again, there are so many digital gateways to affairs that it's easy to fall prey to them. Sometimes it happens innocently, but almost all with intention. We hope this blog helps you understand the types of affairs and infidelities and define how they can do a number on you. Not fun, and we know that so many of you suffer from indescrepencies. Be strong, have faith, and keep your heads up. Xo, Erin Journaling Thoughts: Have you cheated on your partner? How do you feel about it? Have you been cheated on? How are you recovering from this? Dish now:

And when date/relationship shopping do you look for people that are a good match for you based on your sign? Or do you date whomever and not worry about it? We love the Zodiac signs here at Divorcee Dish and find it all so fascinating! For instance, I am a Leo, and according to online sources and predictions, my perfect soulmate would fall within Aries, Gemini, Cancer, Libra, Sagittarius, and Aquarius. I’m so curious when I meet someone at any point, where do they fall in my world? This may also apply to good friends. What is your sign? Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th Pisces: Feb19th -March 20th Aries: March 21st – April 19th Taurus: April 20th – May 20th Gemini: May 21st – June 20th Cancer: June 20th- July 22nd Leo: July 23rd -August 22nd Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd Libra: September 23rd -October 22nd Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th What does all this mean for you? Study signs of the the people in your world. What do you get when you research friends, family, or a new mate? Zodiac signs are based on the position of the Sun & the collection of signs is defined As follows. In astrology, a sign of the zodiac refers to one of 12 specific zodiac constellations that the sun passes through. A person's particular sign of the zodiac is the one that the sun was in when they were born. It is a belief in astrology that a person's personality can be predicted using their zodiac sign. (Source: Google Search) Interestingly enough, here are which Zodiac signs make the best of friends: Genuine BFF signs include Aries and Gemini, Taurus and Virgo, Leo and Sagittarius, Libra and Gemini, Capricorn and Scorpio, and Pisces and Scorpio, to name a few. But zodiac elements also come into play, with which zodiac signs go well together. For instance, the Air sign Libra makes a great friend for Gemini, another Air sign, an Aries, a Fire sign. Similarly, Earth signs Virgo and Capricorn mesh well with the Water sign Cancer. (Source: Your Tango) Take a look at your connections! It's really fun to see and think,"Oh, that’s why I love this person so much", or "oh, that’s why there is conflict more than not," or the jackpot, "yes, they are my perfect match!" Enjoy! Erin Questions to ask yourself go with the above: What sign are you? Are you dating someone who is a Zodiac match? Whom were you married to or in a long-term relationship with – are they within your sun sign? What defines happiness to you when you compare it?

Heads up, Dishers! This is a blog about rejection at its finest. Between men and women that you may meet or chat with online, you must be ready with a guarded heart to be flat-out rejected. It is not easy to digest either; I mean, when has rejection been easy to digest? In this world, a disclaimer is everywhere, and some people do not care (or that’s how it feels). Rejection from jobs, rejections from partners, rejection from colleges, rejections from former friends -it's there. I’m talking from experience, my heart, and my friends' stories. So how can you handle it better? Tell everyone that has rejected you to just “F” off – not relaxed. R:ude – Rejection is acceptable, but no response; if you are conversing with some is outright rude. E: go – the person that rejects you must have an ego that’s so big that they think they can do this. J: ust respond. They have been engaging with you, but then the silence begins. E: xpress – people who reject may not know how to express their feelings, which is unfortunate for them, NOT you. C: an – Because they are human, they can take the opportunity to explain the “WHY” they rejected you. T: ension – Rejection causes unnecessary stress and wants to read the riot act to people. I: idiot – people that reject you are idiots; they have no idea what they are missing out on. O: ongoing habit – know you are not the only one they have rejected. We know habitual rejecters. N:unya – you ask they do not engage likes it nunya business; however, if they have talked the talk, then walk the walk. If you are rejected, you must know that the person who denied you IS NOT WORTH ONE BIT of your time. If someone or anyone rejects you, and you want to tell them how you feel, do it. It may be a wake-up call for them, but they may not realize it. Stay Strong! Erin Journaling Opportunity: Have you recently been rejected by someone? Did they stop talking to you? How did that make you feel? How did you cope with rejection? Would you do anything differently?

So here you are, dating again, or at least trying. Congratulations, you've at least crossed that hurdle. However, you've found that the person you are pursuing is into you sometimes and not so much at other times. BUZZ KILL. How do you handle it? Here's how: Be what you were not in your last relationship. Put on those big boy or girl pants and confront the situation head-on. Because here's the real dope: they're taking advantage of you when they have the time. You respond to them immediately, and they respond to you again...when they feel like it. Really? I don't think so. I know you're tempted to go off on this person but trust me, you don't want to come across as crazy, which is the immediate impression someone has of you when you lose your temper. Handle it like the adult you are. You may not have been as gutsy in the past, but you're way more experienced now (you've been through a divorce, for God's sake). If this person doesn’t respond, they do not know what to say. You may want to treat them like a child and say, “please use your words,” yet their thoughts are lost in translation, and they come to you on an as-needed basis. Fuggetaboutit. And unless you are OK being used (note to self: get some therapy), do NOT be tempted - I repeat - do not be tempted to re-engage weeks later when they ask, “What are you doing tonight?” Your reply to that one? “Thanks, but no thanks, I’ve moved on.” I.e., "bye girl/guy" Finally, whether or not you have moved on or not, don't let on, and don't let this person suck you back into their non-communitive world. Treat them as an adult stuck in a 13-year-old’s body. One last thing: Since there are a million ways to reach people, be strong, and please try not to let this happen to you. It would help if you learned from it and never let it happen again. The gist of all this: Stand up for yourself and don't be tempted even if this person makes your heart flutter because, believe me (I've been there), they are not worth your time or the person who you are. Questions to ponder: Has this happened to you? How did you respond? What helped you NOT re-engage? What words did you use, and did they get the message? Team Temptation, Erin

Right before your divorce is final, you may feel a lot of uncertainty about your future. In fact, I know you will. However, this is NORMAL. Undoubtedly, this is one of the top stressors in life and can be one of the most major down moments in your life. Luckily, some never have to experience it (very rare), while some can relate to every aspect and share what they have gone through after only the first three months or so after a divorce (very in tune; they knew divorce was for them). Recently, I joined a Facebook group because I was looking for support. Lemme tell you, seeing the pain that newly separated or divorced folks are going through makes my heart ache for them. And full disclosure, it brought up a lot of memories. There are many reasons couples split nowadays and just as many ways people handle divorce. When it’s a toxic divorce, it may include the following signs: 1) Your ex avoids you at all costs. 2) Your ex – makes it difficult even to get close to getting the papers signed. 3) You both start fighting over finances – not knowing that divorces do take a considerable toll on finances and credits scores (though there are ways to build it back up quickly). 4) They must show up at the right time when it's time to meditate (sabotage). 5) The ex makes it difficult for the children. 6) They do not have a lawyer, so you do all the heavy lifting. 7) They will not cooperate on the little things. 8) You trash-talk each other in front of your kids. You think "this person I truly loved and was married to me is acting like this?" WTF? Then in a somewhat more civil divorce: 1) You talk about the next steps. 2) You agree you must do what is best for you and your children (if applicable). 3) You both are practicing taking time for yourselves and moving through the initial feelings of the divorce. 4) You are amicable and even meet up to discuss what’s happening and remain friends. 5) You agree to disagree on topics related to your situation and move on. 6) You both practice active listening when the other is concerned about a situation happening in the family. 7) You both seek to get a peaceful closure. 8) You prioritize yourselves and take care of yourselves because it’s not a situation where you sign the papers and then walk and never talk again. Here at Divorcee Dish, we hear stories from everyone unique. Our best advice is to think before you speak, keep your feeling in check, listen to your lawyer or mediator, then begin your new life. Peace, Erin

Did you have a prenup? What does it mean for the end of your marriage? Let's take a look at this situation. Say you were young and in love when you signed this prenup. Did you read it thoroughly? Did you understand what would happen with a prenup? Let’s look into the world of “Crap, I have a prenup” or “Yay for me, I have a prenup.” A prenup is defined as an agreement made by a couple before they marry, concerning the ownership of their respective assets should the marriage fail and one side has a prenuptial agreement. Since this happened, you may not have read the details since you signed it some time ago. However, here is a list of things that may or may not be in your prenup. Prenups also can cause a lack of trust in your partner, or you both agree you are protecting assets. What type of assets, you ask? Property owned before and during a marriage. Personal or combined debt pre-marriage and in the divorce papers, you would define how post-marital debt would be covered. Disability – what happens if you or your spouse becomes disabled? Where would this prenup stand? Combined Earning pre-, during, post marriage. A gift that may have been given to you by family during the marriage or before. It may include an infidelity clause that could help one side in a case of confusion. However, some prenuptial agreements do not hold up in court because someone unintentionally does something that would break the contract. Then there are several pros and cons provided by legal zoom. As you enter mediation or the litigation part of a divorce, be sure you know what is in the prenup because it can make this situation much better or worse. Wishing you nothing but the best, Erin

Being alone hurts sometimes. OK, more than just occasionally. OK, a lot. I've touched on loneliness before on this blog, but it bears repeating how hard it can be, especially with the holidays mere days away. However, lately, I've been trying to learn how to cope with loneliness and still be robust. Yep, robust. As in, "I need to get my ass out of bed, get breakfast going, get the kiddos out the door and start on the million and one work and personal projects I need to finish before it's time to turn in for the night." Loneliness is a weird thing, especially after going through a divorce. While it's a relief to be separated from your not-so-well-suited former partner, I don't know about your, but I still yearn to be near someone else. A new partner? A lover? A friend? All three? Perhaps. My subsequent love interest may be at the coffee shop the next time I make an espresso run. Or maybe he's someone I already know, yet he hasn't told me. Or is there a mystery man out there I have yet to meet? Being alone and sometimes feeling like no one cares enough to check in on you (NOT entirely true, you do have family, friends, and loved ones; I'm talking a "special someone") and thinking about you hurts. OMG, I never expected to feel this way. My heart has had losses; sometimes, it seems almost too much to bear. At times, I am at a loss on where I should turn when it comes to finding Mr. Right or, at the very least, Mr. For-The-Time-Being. And I'm so over dating sites there should be a new word for 'over'. They're abhorrent, setting you up with high expectations, hoping for some connection, but it doesn’t happen. People are beyond ridiculous with nude selfies taken in the gym or the bathroom. Not one single person serious about dating would do that. They want a booty call, plain and simple. How about a site whose members' motto is "let me treat you like a human being and get to know you." Now that's a novel concept in this day and age. The whole dating thing is crazy frustrating, whether oonline or through a friend, chance encounter, or other circumstances. And even if you connect with someone, it's hard to tell if they're serious about dating or want a quick lay and then are off to the next person. It is complex and confusing – do you accept “never married and no kids” – i.e., did they miss out earlier or were they so caught up in themselves that they just never settled? I've met some incredible humans who wanted love and contentment but never settled down even when they had a perfect match, and they left, bopping along and bedding down with one person to the next. To me, it's sad, but I guess some really wonderful people are terrified of any kind of connection or commitment. So there you have it; I've gone from starting this missive about feeling lonely to the trials and tribulations of dating in just five paragraphs! But in all seriousness, while being alone is sometimes scary, you absolutely must love yourself before you can genuinely love anyone else. But you knew I was going to say that, didn't you? Yet it's so true. And no matter how lonely you are, what time of year it is, if you're dating or single, always do your best to be confident and secure, even on those days you want to crawl back in bed and eat an extra large supreme pizza with a pint of Ben & Jerry's on the side. Because at the end of the day, loneliness will always come and go; however, it may just be the one life lesson to endure for a happy future, one that's fulfilling and is always enough...whether you're alone or not. Hugs, Erin Questions to ponder per the above: When you feel lonely, do you reach out to old loves? Where do you find confidence in the lonely moments? What makes you feel better? Can you indeed find someone in this virtual world?