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When you sit back and think about the relationships you had before your divorce and now after – Who is the first person that comes to mind? Call that person your lifeline through a difficult situation. I am lucky to have several true friends that were there for me from day one. I am telling you this because the reality is that you may have other friends that fade away (unexpectedly). After all, they do not know what to say or may be tired of hearing about your situation. This doesn’t mean they are not there for you. It means you do n ot know what to do unless you have been through it. You will be surprised how different it is to be divorced at times. It’s not that these friends have “chosen sides.” However, that does happen from time to time. I remember someone saying once, “I just do not get invited anywhere since I’ve been divorced.” At first, that may be true. However, it would help if you had your tribe to survive. Emotional survival takes years to heal, and surrounding yourself with people who have been in your shoes makes all the difference. Once you find that person, friends start to multiply (kind of like Gremlins in a good way). These people you call on when you have good times and bad times. Even years after my divorce, I still have moments, and you will have moments that come out of nowhere. Remember, you do not have to be the stoic superhero – you need to call upon your tribe to transition you through that time. My phone is filled with several individuals to get me through good and rough days; this has made all the difference in my world. Here are a few tips: 1) Do not think no one is there for you – because you’ll be surprised at who can handle a call when you are down. 2) Make new friends through common interests; you’d be surprised how close you get when you share the same passions. 3) Please do not feel lonely and do not leave your house—call your tribe. 4) Create a habit of touching base and checking on others; you may find they are having a hard time. The bonding continues to flourish in these moments. As always, we wish you strength and happiness. Song dedication: “Thank you for being a friend,” performed by Andrew Gold

Whatever your age, if you loved dressing up as a kid (who didn't?); getting costume crazy in college; or currently have tiny tots or adult children, memories of Halloweens past are likely to swirl through your mind like a witch on a broom, bringing up an array of emotions. But don't get spooked, lock your doors and turn out all the lights this weekend due to a late October pity party (plus, do you want to wake up November 1 to a yard full of toilet-papered trees...or worse?). No! Turn the situation around and celebrate the day and night - after all, there's a lot of candy and chocolate involved, which in our blog is always a win - your way this year. Here's how: · If you have kids that are trick-or-treating age, make a plan with your ex (if you're on good terms) or a good friend and their children to do a joint neighborhood or safe place jaunt so the little ones can load up on treats and you can all have a good time, drama- and stress-free; · No kids? No problem. Check-in with your friends and sniff around for an invite to Halloween events for grownups, whether costume parties or casual get-togethers. And GO if you're invited! · Not into either of the above, or they're not options? No worries because this could be one the best plans of all: Stock up on your favorite spirit(s) or non-alcoholic beverages, pick out your favorite delivery restaurant, order everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - on the menu, you want (be sure to call or text enough in advance because they'll be busy this weekend), binge your fa vorite Netflix or other streaming service or completely crank up your stereo, and live it up in your den/living room or even more decadent, in bed (by yourself or not, wink wink)! And if the thought of being separated from your loved ones, especially your children, on this kid-centric holiday has you down, please check out "The Divorced Mom's Guide to Halloween" (link https://tinybeans.com/the-divorced-moms-guide-to-halloween/) from tinybeans.com, and "Halloween Tips for Divorced Dads" (link https://dadsdivorce.com/articles/halloween-tips-for-divorced-dads/) from dadsdivorce.com, both filled with great advice on how to cope. We wish you all a safe and treat-filled Halloween! Erin

Have you met someone new who makes your heart go pitty-pat, and after a few fun texts that turn to coffee dates or drinks, said person pulls a disappearing act? Fear not, DD friends, because “ghosting” is, unfortunately, a widespread occurrence for many (me included). Were you being too pushy? Gave TMI? Or maybe it was something else? How hard is it to text someone back and say politely, “thanks but no thanks”? Ghosting feels painful. We try to be laid back but get super frustrated waiting for that ask or that text to re-engage. And no matter who it is or what it’s about, I always try and respond to a text. To me, that’s just common courtesy in our digital age, but apparently not to others. I’m the first to admit that meeting someone and perhaps ultimately dating me in my 40s has proven to be a bit challenging. I don’t even know how to explain all the disappearing acts I have had! Does that person think it's easier to vanish versus responding because it’s “just a text,” not a call? I try to take things in stride, but honestly, there are so many times I want to say, “guys, WTF is wrong with you? You are an adult; communicating like one would be nice.” But I don’t. Wanna know why? I LET IT GO. How? I remind myself that this is about the other people, not me. I’ve made a gesture that’s not being reciprocated, given it enough thought, and decided to move on. Period. Sure, there are other things you can do, and believe me, I’ve Googled plenty of ways, but at the end of the day, I feel that’s the best way to handle it. Besides, I have other things that are way more important. My kids. My work. My friends. And apparently, that’s what The Universe believes is essential for me to…and so do I. Meanwhile, I’ll leave all ghosting up to the trick-or-treaters - since Halloween is only 3 weeks away - and happily reward them with candy. For more perspective on handling ghosting, check out this great piece from the crew at bumble.com (link to https://bumble.com/the-buzz/how-to-respond-to-ghosting). And hang tough, DDers! Xo, Erin

Should you Rent or Buy? After a divorce, your financials take a huge hit. There are many movements of money, and money may be tied to a home, emotions, and more. So what do you do? My first move was to rent due to the housing market being a hot mess at the time of my divorce; plus, I also needed to figure out how to find a place in a neighborhood I strived to live in and needed space for all my children. It was my best bet due to not having extra income to deal with repairs if needed; I knew that rental insurance and the landlords would need to take care of that. I rented for two years before buying my first home on my own. My rent was much higher than a house payment, but I didn’t have to worry about certain aspects of being a homeowner. I was excited and scared but more thrilled than anything else. A home to continue raising my children in, I got my house off the crazy market, which shocked me. Then my mortgage is lower than my rent. The point being you should consider the advantages of your home after a divorce as – getting your emotional state settled, clearing your head, and do not make swift moves. Ultimately you must do what is best for you and your family. Though I bought a home eventually, I have found the advantages and disadvantages are something I thought I would share after a recent sewer backup episode (that confirmed my biggest fear) of being a homeowner. When renting: · Upfront Costs are precise – rent stays the same · Rental Agreements cover all repairs for the most part · What is your income now? · Will your income increase so you can save for a home? · In addition to the rental agreement, Renter's Insurance is super critical, so if you rent, please consider this. · Did you know that 36% of Americans live in rentals? You are not alone. (source: hello divorce) · Renting doesn’t provide equity. · Remember renting is not a permanent solution; however, it may be best now. · It gives you more time to find a house, condo, or apartment you may purchase long-term. When buying a home: · It’s yours, and you can do whatever you want with it. · You are building equity. · Any repairs are on you – like a sewer repair or appliances flaking out. · You can get a one-year – home warranty to possibly cover the costs of appliances going out or other home repairs (Warning: I used one that didn’t cover much – so this was a waste for me) · Any upgrades increase your house value and more money in the future should you move again. · Remember, even if you buy, if things change in your life, it’s OK to consider other options again. · Tax deductions are available in a home. · Homeowners' insurance policies differ, so look closely at all your options or look for an insurance agent that can help get you the best coverage for the best price. Again, there are pros and cons to renting and buying. However, you will have so much on your mind during the divorce process; you must do what is best for you in the short term. Onward and upward, my friends.

Does your life feel chaotic all the time? Do you find yourself asking yourself, “How do I find peace in the chaos?” Well, I wonder no further because I’m sure I’ve found the answer in the words: Manifest it. Over the past two and a half years (and counting), life has been challenging and chaotic for us all. Starting with the biggest s## show of our lifetimes, in most cases, the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. Add to that the constant negative news influx (turn it off if you can), inflation and recession worries, violence, and fear wherever we go (I don’t know about you, but I’ve had practically everything delivered or have done curbside pickup since March 2020, damn the cost), and the state of the world in general. Add in the realization that we’re all divorced, throw in your daily/weekly/monthly schedule, whether planned out or in flux, and you have a recipe for feeling almost entirely out of control. I say almost because there are some beneficial ways to find the flow in the madness, and here are my top ones: · Know your boundaries; · Make clear and concise communication flows with your ex or whoever may be mediating separation-induced communications; · Rest (and rest and rest, for heaven’s sake): Your body needs a break from all the duties on your plate, including work, childcare, cooking, cleaning, etc., etc., etc. · Spend time with friends: Escape with your peeps, have a glass of wine (or two, wink wink), and share stories…I promise you’ll find you’re not the only one that needs a buddy break. · Practice box breathing, also known as four-square breathing, which involves exhaling to a count of four, holding your lungs empty for a four-count, inhaling at the same pace, and holding air in your lungs for a count of four before exhaling and beginning the pattern anew; · Run – I repeat, run, do not walk – away from drama, you are not available, and your body doesn’t need it; · Take a timeout: It’s OK to take a day and do absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing, besides eating and drinking (but try to avoid day drinking If you know what I mean); · Start and keep a journal to clear your mind…I’m here to tell you that my journaling – even if it’s just two minutes per entry – has helped me immensely; · And I’ve saved this one for last because I think it’s the hardest to do: Manifest what you want your life to look like and make yourself feel it has already happened. Period. Living in chaos will eventually take you down and out, which we cannot allow at this stage in our lives. You’ll feel drained and even ache from the exhaustion (full disclosure: been there, done it, continue to do it). Even if you only choose two of the above, make them part of your day. OK? Promise? Peace & love, Erin

You think you've moved on and are ready to return to the dating game. However, you still feel a little bit hesitant. Here are a few reasons why that may be the reason: 1) Your heart still hurts when you think of what is over now but in reality, you know it was for the best; 2) You unexpectedly see your ex out with a new person and you turn and head the other way; 3) You never set relationship boundaries or discussed when the other would move on so you get upset when you learn they have; 4) You get emotional when you see him/her on a dating app (e.g. Bumble, Hinge, Match, OkCupid, et al); 5) You start to date someone and all you can think of is your ex; 6) You take out things that bother you in your past relationship with your new person; 7) You freak out when the new person in your life wants to sleep over and you worry about the consequences in your mind and heart; 8) You reminisce and talk about all the good times you had with your ex with friends; 9) You talk to your ex like nothing has changed for either of you and though that time of communication can be good, unless you plan on trying things again there should be some distance between the two of you; 10) You cannot picture yourself with anyone else. You may feel one, two, or all of the above when you think you're ready to move on. If you start to have any of these reactions take a pause, journal, feel the feelings, and move through them. It's OK not to feel ready. And as we’ve said before, we recommend six months post-divorce before you dive back into the playing field, though for some it can take years. You're only human and you have feelings; it's OK to tell someone you are just not ready yet. Remember, you be you, and don't worry about anyone else. You got this but it does take time.

Now that you’re divorced, you’re hypersensitive to the couples that seem to cluster all around you. Everywhere you turn you see a young couple in love or an adult couple in lust! Though you know you’ve been there at different points in your life, once you witness the happily paired off, it can create either feelings of disappointment or hope (I say let’s go with hope, but that’s for a later blog entry). So, all that lovey-dovey-ness going on begs the question: How much PDA is too much for most people? Hard to say because, culturally, there are pretty much zero rules for public displays of affection. According to Anjali Mehra, a relationship specialist based in Mumbai, “PDA is totally fine if you're holding hands, putting your arm around your partner, or giving someone a quick kiss, but anything more than that crosses a line.” But many couples feel like they can cut loose wherever they are, especially in the early “Oh, isn’t he/she a dream come true” phase. People get touchy-feely at bars all the time. And depending on what kind of bar you’re in, you can probably get to second base if you want, but that doesn’t green-light you to do it. Context matters here because an upscale wine bar isn’t the ideal spot for full-on canoodling, although a dive bar might be. Also, movie theaters have long been the go-to destination for PDA seekers because they’re dark and quiet. Relive your high school days by getting a little action at a matinee? That seems safe enough. But here’s the deal: Put yourself in someone else’s shoes, namely those around you. Likely one wouldn’t be offended by seeing others hold hands, kiss a little, or do that uncomfortable walk-and-embrace thing (which really only works when both people are the same height.) All of that seems appropriate enough but “You might be alarmed to see someone sticking their tongue down another person’s throat in the mall food court. Use your judgment,” Mehra says. My thoughts are to do what you feel comfortable with. Love is natural, even if it’s genuinely just ‘like.’ New relationships are exciting so test what you feel comfortable with and personally, I wouldn’t worry too much about what others think (although I do believe keeping your tongue in check in public is always a good idea). Perhaps dating PDA decorum is interpreted by many generational, old-school folks as “OMG, get a room.” In my opinion, however, in today’s world, the more love we show, the better. Although all in good taste (figuratively and literally) 📷 What are your thoughts? P.S. For other perspectives, check out Lifehacker’s article How Much PDA Is Too Much PDA? Until next time, Erin

Give yourself room to roam this Holiday weekend! If you are freshly divorced, separated, or been divorced and still sorting out everything – you need to get out there and meet new people. Sometimes, people contact us to ask what I do with myself, “I am not ready for the online dating world, so how am I supposed to meet new people?” A: Find an event, or a good friend, or head out by yourself to a place you enjoy. Being single again doesn’t mean you have to stay inside and do nothing – unless you want to because self-care is number 1. Some new ideas of what you could do: 1) Most cities have a “What’s happening this weekend?” site or two. Pick something you are passionate about and head out there. 2) Walk in the park or hike in a new park. 3) Meet up with a friend for coffee. 4) Pick a new restaurant or favorite and take a book (or not) – order your favorite meal and a cocktail. 5) Labor Day is the last day for the pool, take a book and hang out or your headphones and listen to your favorite tunes. 6) Discover something new in your city, a place that you’ve never been but would love to experience. 7) Take a drive – you may find you enjoy the time and jam in your car. 8) Finish that project you have been seeking to wrap up. 9) Binge on a new show you have wanted to watch and enjoy. These are just a few ways to enjoy your freedom. Place a smile on that face and pick one or two to do. Song dedication to this #blog “Roam” by the B-52s.

Our blog discusses self-care and ensuring you do not burn the candle at both ends. However, being a single parent can zap you to the core in zero seconds. It is the food, laundry, cleaning, clothing needed, medical bills, a roof over your and their head/s, and more. Even if you have the best co-parent situation – sharing responsibilities yet running two different households simultaneously (let’s be honest) is hard. Here are some ideas for navigating life as a single parent and winning: 1) Give it up. Let your groceries be delivered. Plan out your days you have your kids, plan meals, and order only what you need. This is a huge time suck if not. 2) Hire someone to help you keep up with the deep cleaning of your house – find a way to spend a little bit extra for this peace of mind. 3) Plan family fun time and feed off the energy of your kids. That quality time is something they and you will always cherish. 4) Then plan your time and stick to it. Even if you miss a game or two, you must take care of yourself. You will be a better parent because of it. 5) Give your kids chores – possibly similar chores in both households. Children can feel empowered knowing it’s their job to clean the living room, etc. 6) Carpooling: If multiple children are on different teams, see if you can figure out a carpool. It doesn’t mean anything, but you are efficient with your time. 7) Daily: Meditate. Just try it. It can ground you and allow you to focus on the tasks. Navigating life without a co-pilot is challenging at best. Learn not to overcommit yourself; it’s ok to say NO; I just need time for myself.

The lyrics to the infamous Crosby, Stills & Nash song - If you're down and confused And you don't remember who you're talkin' to Concentration slip away Because your baby is so far away Well, there's a rose in a fisted glove And the eagle flies with the dove And if you can't be with the one you love, honey Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Don't be angry, don't be sad Don't sit cryin' over good times you've had There's a girl right next to you And she's just waitin' for something to do And there's a rose in a fisted glove And the eagle flies with the dove And if you can't be with the one you love, honey Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Turn your heartache right into joy 'Cause she's a girl and you're a boy Get it together, make it nice You ain't gonna need any more advice And there's a rose in a fisted glove And the eagle flies with the dove And if you can't be with the one you love, honey Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Love the one you're with Source: Musixmatch'r Our message today is DO NOT SETTLE; You Only Live Once if there is someone in your heart take the chance. You never know.

Here you are, back in the dating game and trying to keep an open mind to what's out there. The ways and means of meeting people have taken a seismic turn since March 2020 - yes, 32 months and counting, and let's face it, do you really want to go out, possibly hook up and put your health at risk with someone you're not 100% sure of with COVID plus everything else going on in this crazy world we now live in? Nevertheless, we're now at a place in late 2022 where if we're smart - and we are - we've thrown everything we once thought we knew about dating. What you and I once thought were solid-in-stone "rules" for dating are null and void today. But that doesn't mean you have to lock yourself up at home and never go out or meet someone new. So, let's say you've met someone “in real life" - no apps or texts, please - and the momentum has been positive, yet you feel they may be holding back in some way, shape, or form. Or maybe they're just being assholes without realizing it. But it bothers you. If so, look for these 10 big time “red flags" for post-divorce dating before you dive in too seriously: They were really into you initially; however, communication is slowly simmering. Your gut feels as if long term, this is not your match. You get into a rut of playing house and are not ready for that type of relationship. They are mysterious with details of their daily lives. They lack trust in you and always try to be up in your business, making you uncomfortable. They show up at places to “surprise you," making you super uncomfortable. They get angry when they cannot spend time with you when you say you need “downtime” or “me time." They worship the ground you walk on within two weeks or earlier. They make you feel guilty for not doing what they want you to do. You do not feel comfortable being out in public with them And this one should not only be a red flag, but it should also be a green light to run as fast and far away from them as possible: They make fun of you in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself. Red flags are easy to overlook but keep your wits about you, and if one or more of the above prove to be the case, it's probably time to do some serious thinking about how/if/why you would subject yourselves to this treatment. Keep it real out there and trust your gut, Erin

I felt overwhelmed that I may have ruined a 30-year friendship with a simple drunk text. I hope it’s not true; however, like most of us, we have done it once or one hundred times while having an emotional moment. Telling someone how you feel is one thing even though they are already in a lifelong relationship and give you enough hope to hold on….hold back, people, hold back. I do not live by the rules that I could and should have. I just go, and though I think many things out, this was not the case. Friendships, Relationships, and Dating are so tricky in your 40s – I often question whether live by the YOLO rule (You Only Live Once) or hold back until the timing is right. I’ve asked my friends, and it's funny because it’s a 50/50 split of yes, get after what you want, be the happiest you can be, OR be patient. What’s meant to be is meant to be. You could be waiting, and life is just too short. What do you think? Peace, Love, and Happiness. PS and Apps that can prevent this from happening in the future are listed by: ScoopWhoop